


maybe you're the reason

by soran_rising



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: End of an era, F/F, Friends to Lovers, don't read if you don't want end of a uswnt era feels, kelley thinks sonnett has a crush on her, soft sleepy times, spoiler alert: she does, why's there so much alex morgan in this story what's up with that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-12-14 05:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21010655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soran_rising/pseuds/soran_rising
Summary: “I think Sonnett has a crush on me.”And Alex doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look like she’s going to, so Kelley laughs because she doesn’t really know what that means. It’s really not often that Alex is silent.“I thought you were going to say more,” Alex says eventually, “not laugh hysterically like some type of maniac.”





	1. no i don't like you i just thought you were cool enough to kick it

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all
> 
> the excerpt bit from the summary is taken from chapter 2. sorry to tease.
> 
> fic title from maybe you're the reason by the japanese house  
chapter title from thinkin' bout you by frank ocean
> 
> come scream at me to write more on twitter: @soran_rising

It starts like this: Sonnett finds her after the game in the locker room.

Kelley’s lacing up her street shoes and taking her sweet time with it, not desperate to hop up and mingle with her teammates. Her mind is elsewhere, already at dinner with her mother, already trying to find ways to shift the conversation away from things she doesn’t want to talk about. Most notably: how she’s been since the break up.

(She really doesn’t want to talk about it.)

When Emily steps into her space, Kelley looks up immediately. She’s standing in front of one of the industrial lights, and it momentarily blinds Kelley, forcing her to put a hand up to shield her eyes.

And on a normal day Emily might make a crack about that—probably something about Kelley being blinded by her beauty—but instead Sonnett seems to take a whole second to process it. She hovers over Kelley a bit before speaking, and it’s abnormally hesitant. It makes Kelley feel like she’s missing something.

“You ready?” is all Emily says when she opens her mouth, and for a moment, Kelley is confused.

“Ready for?” And because it’s not unusual for her to do at all, Kelley lifts both of her arms, looking for Sonnett to pull her to her feet. But again Emily seems to stop, fully considering it before taking both of Kelley’s arms into her hands and pulling her upright.

“Dinner?”

Oh. Right.

In a very Karen fashion, Kelley’s mom had thrown out dinner as a suggestion while greeting the team before the game. Most had written it off as the type of invitation made out of politeness; the type of invitation you don’t take.

But apparently Sonnett hadn’t.

“I thought you were going out with Mal and Rose?”

“No, I never said anything about going with them. I think Linds was considering going with them? It wasn’t like, a serious thing.” She says this and sort of looks over her shoulder at Ali and Ash, who are still packing up, “I’d totally rather hang with y’all.”

Weird.

“Before you say anything, you should know your mother pulled me aside after she talked to everyone.” And again Sonnet avoids her eyes, which Kelley finds strange. “She wanted to make sure I actually came.”

“What?”

“She told me not to tell you but it was too weird. I’m sorry.”

And Kelley must look perplexed because Sonnett rushes to speak, “She said she wanted you to have a friend with you. Something to take your mind off of…”

She trials off, but Kelley didn’t need her to finish the sentence anyway. The pain of the break up was fresh enough on its own. Three weeks later and some part of her still felt like it had only just happened.

In flash, she’s furious at her mother for messing with her private life and making assumptions about what she needs. It’s as though she’s not 31 years old, living on her own, as she has for years. She doesn’t need her mother to rope her friends into things. She can make decisions on her own, thank you very much.

She’s actually so distracted by that train of thought that her brain spits out the first thing that comes to mind, which isn’t particularly polite:

“Why’d she ask you?”

Luckily Sonnett just snorts, shrugging. “Dunno. Your guess is as good as mine.”

And it’s true: why Emily? Naturally, if asked who she’d like to bring to dinner with her mother, Kelley might’ve chosen someone closer to her own age. It would’ve made more sense for her mother to invite any of the group she’d actually grown up with: Alex, Christen, Tobin—she’s positive each of them has even shared a meal with her mother once, actually.

But Emily was younger. And Karen had only met her a few times, mostly in passing. By the time Kelley had started hanging out with Emily she’d had her own place in Georgia, so she hadn’t needed to bring her around the house as much.

Kelley takes a step back and takes in Sonnett, who looks a little nervous, and decides she’s fine with this choice, actually. It’ll be nice.

(And if not, it’ll at least be something she can tease Sonnett about for a few weeks.)

They start walking toward the exit. Kelley gives Sonnett her gym bag, making her carry it in addition to her own, always happy to remind her who’s in charge. For a moment she worries Sonnett will continue being this weirdly deferential person, but when Kelley chances a look at her, she’s smirking.

“So what, do you gush about me when you’re home or something?”

“Gross.”

“I bet you talk about me all the time. How much you lovvvvveeee me.”

“Shut up.”

\- + - + - + -

Dinner with her mother and Emily Sonnett should be strange.

But it’s not.

It’s actually really pleasant.

They go out to a nice seafood restaurant with cloth napkins and Kelley almost feels a little bad that she’s in shorts and a hoodie and Sonnett has just recently showered after playing a 90-minute game.

The conversation starts slow—which is something of a rarity for Sonnett—and mostly revolves around Kelley at first. Kelley’s a little baffled at Sonnett, who remembers to put a “ma’am” in front of every sentence to her mother, and who listens with a quiet attentiveness that Kelley’s not particularly used to from her.

She’s always known that Sonnett without a group surrounding her tends to be a quieter, more cautious Sonnett. She’s seen that before. This Sonnett’s polite and courteous and actually seems to be putting a large amount of effort into connecting with Kelley’s mother, which Kelley finds surprising, because… why would she care what Kelley’s mother thinks?

And weirdly, Karen’s questioning keeps shifting away from each of them as individuals to questions about their friendship: when did they first get to know each other? Do they train together? Does Kelley mentor Emily?

And Kelley, again, feels like she’s missing something. She slides in her seat, and she thinks she’s moved her foot to rest against the chair leg but then Sonnett moves quickly, shifting in her own seat to move her foot away and catching Kelley’s eye, embarrassed. She flushes, and something starts to come together in Kelley’s mind.

Before she can fully form that thought, Kelley’s mom leaves for the bathroom.

“Dude, save the footsie for a different moment,” is the first thing Sonnett says, hastily lapping up a noodle, trying to look unaffected.

“Oh, I’ll let you know when I’m trying to play footsie, _dear_.” Kelley shoots back. The comment doesn’t land as desired, somehow making Kelley blush instead of Emily. Was that weird? That felt weird. Like their usual flirting banter, except this time Kelley can picture herself leaning across and rubbing her foot against Emily’s shin. And maybe enjoying it.

And Kelley barely meets Emily’s eyes before Emily’s flashing a smirk, “Looking forward to it.”

Karen returns, and the three of them shift to a more relaxing topic. Near the end of the meal, Emily pays Kelley a genuine compliment—her first in a very long time—and Kelley meets her eyes, finding something different in her smile. Emily looks down at her lap.

They pay and go their separate ways—Karen back to her hotel, Kelley and Emily back to theirs—but not before Karen gives Emily a warm hug and then pulls Kelley in and says, “I’m really glad you’ve got her in your life, Kell. Keep her around.”

And like, again, Kelley feels like she’s missing something.

\- + - + - + -

They drive in silence for a bit before Kelley says, “Thanks for doing that.”

Emily just sort of raises an eyebrow, but like in this needlessly comical way, and then shakes her head.

“You know I don’t do things I don’t want to do, right?”

“I know.”

The silence that lingers after says everything about Kelley’s current mood. She’s tired. Tired of always being the extrovert. Playing the joker. The entertainer. She’s just been drained of every part of her that can pretend to want to be that. All she really wants to do right now is go home and lay in bed.

“You want to talk about it?” Emily offers, and no, Kelley really doesn’t.

“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m just like, weirdly in my head.”

She doesn’t know Sonnett well enough to do this drive in silence, she realizes, like she might do with Alex or even Tobin. She watches her in the mirror out of the corner of her eye, realizing there’s a lot she doesn’t know about what’s going on inside Emily’s mind. They could stand to be closer.

She wants to be closer.

They ride in charged silence for a little while longer before Sonnett does the strangest thing she’s ever done, in Kelley’s opinion: she reaches over and takes Kelley’s hand, squeezing it.

It feels warm and nice, and weirdly not sweaty. Sonnett’s hands are dry and calloused and smaller than she expects.

“Okay…” Is all she says, because this should feel weirder.

“I saw Alex do this once.” And somehow that’s Sonnett’s justification.

“Yeah, but that’s Alex—”

“But if it helps—“

And Kelley’s lip quirks up in a smile, “It’s mostly just weird.”

Emily quickly undoes her hand from Kelley’s, putting it back in her lap, “I don’t know dude! You just seem weirdly down and I’m trying to help.”

Kelley’s hand pulses like it misses the contact, and for a second she curses the part of her that makes these split-second calls, the part of her that doesn’t overthink things, that just blurts out the first thing that occurs to her. She didn’t mean for them to stop.

“I know. I’m sorry.” She says again, because it’s how she feels.

A long weird beat passes between them. Kelley reaches back over, taking Sonnett’s hand in hers and squeezing, “Fine.”

She’ll tell Alex later that she did it because it felt nice. They’ve held hands a bajillion times. She holds hands with everyone, for God’s sake, why would holding one particular teammate’s hand be any different?

(She really did it because for some reason, it did feel different. And she wanted to feel it again.)

Emily, for her part, just tries to hold back a smile. Softly, like a secret, she utters a: “Hell yes.”

After another beat: “Suck it Alex!”

And Kelley just laughs.

\- + - + - + -

They arrive at the hotel later than expected, and it’s uncharacteristically cold outside. The parking lot is full and they have to park all the way down the street, which leaves them walking up the street in the frigid air, Sonnett in nothing but a t-shirt.

And Kelley feels a strange urge—a totally new one—to remove her sweatshirt and give it to Sonnett, so she does. It’s a regular Stanford hoodie. A pretty generic one, if she’s being honest. Not one with sentimental value. But when she hands it to Emily, Emily takes it in her hands like a treasured gift.

“We’re like almost there.”

“Still, just take it.”

And Emily just looks at her, confused, before stopping and pulling it over her head. When she starts walking again Kelley hooks her arm in hers, pulling her close.

They walk huddled together back to the hotel and make their way up the elevator to the 12th floor, where both of their rooms are. It’s late enough that there’s not a peep from any of the rooms, and they say goodbye in hushed whispers, hugging in the hallway.

As Kelley pulls away, Emily hesitates, opening her mouth to say something but then stopping herself. And then, a moment that’s unmistakable, at least to Kelley: Emily’s eyes drop to her lips.

And then very quickly, as though remembering herself, Emily’s gaze shifts back up again to Kelley’s eyes.

A thought crystalizes in Kelley’s head again, except this time it’s fully formed: _Emily Sonnett wanted to kiss her_.

But then she’s dragged back to reality.

“Your sweatshirt.” Emily says in a small voice, reaching for the bottom of it, ready to pull it off herself.

“Keep it. You can give it to me tomorrow.” And there’s really no reason for that. It’s a hundred percent unnecessary and they both know it, but Kelley commits anyway, turning and walking away.

She hears Emily shut the door, and then hears Rose say, loudly: “How was your _date_?”

And then, naturally, in response: “You can fuck all the way off, thanks.”

And Kelley smiles wide.


	2. sad to see you go (was sort of hoping that you’d stay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all
> 
> shout out to all the folks who actually came and yelled at me on twitter. we love to see it. @soran_rising
> 
> also shoutout to julie foudy who you can blame for the delay--her damn podcast forced me to rewrite the entire back half of this chapter. rude. 
> 
> song title taken from "do i wanna know?" by the arctic monkeys.

“I think Sonnett has a crush on me.”

Kelley had deliberately waited until she and Alex were fully submerged in the frigid bathtub water before saying anything, and the hilarious shift in expression on Alex’s face feels _so_ worth it.

And Alex doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look like she’s going to, so Kelley laughs because she doesn’t really know what that means. It’s really not often that Alex is silent.

“I thought you were going to say more,” Alex says eventually, “not laugh hysterically like some type of maniac.”

And that just makes Kelley laugh harder: “I thought you were going to be judgmental. I literally made space for it in my story.”

“Oh, so there’s a story?”

“Shut up.”

She’d made a very specific calculation, bringing this up with Alex. She’d chosen her above Christen, above Allie. She’d even briefly considered Tobin before deciding that she was so close to Emily she might actually know the answer to what is currently just Kelley’s theory. And she wasn’t sure she wanted the true answer yet.

She’d chosen Alex because, when push came to shove, Alex would keep her secret.

Even if she made fun of her mercilessly first.

Although, come to think of it…

“So what, no teasing?”

And she sees Alex sort of sit with that sentiment, thinking about it. Everything about this interaction so far is surprising, but the most surprising by far is that Alex isn’t really all that surprised.

“I mean… I’m not sure how you want me to react here, Kell…” Alex draws it out, and Kelley grows impatient with her, wondering why she’s being so weird about this. It makes this conversation feel like more than it was supposed to be, which, as far as Kelley was concerned, was her telling Alex about a younger teammate with a crush and them laughing and moving on.

(Well, maybe it was more than _that_.)

(But still, why is she making this weird?)

“I want you to react honestly.” Kelley says, her voice suddenly dropping into that deeper, more serious register, “I don’t know why you’re being weird about this.”

“Fine. Honestly?” Alex says, crossing her arms and fixing Kelley with what might be the most ridiculous glare of all time, “Don’t you have a little crush on her, too?”

“What?” And Kelley’s flabbergasted. Her jaw actually drops, comically, and Alex just shakes her head as though she expected this, “I don’t… Alex, that’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Alex just stares. “You force backrubs and cuddling and dances on her, Kell. You definitely single her out. I think literally every younger player would say that she’s your favorite.”

“She’s fun! Is that a crime now?”

“You invite her to our stuff. Things that are just like, between veteran players.” And slowly this weird sinking feeling starts to take hold of Kelley. She’s in frigid water but her face is on fire.

“I don’t… believe in exclusionary practices the way you do.” She says, feebly, and Alex doesn’t buy it for a second.

“You hang out with her during off-seasons. She’s been to your apartment. I haven’t even been to your apartment, Kell.”

“… I… we can fix that?” Kelley offers, hoping that’ll steer them off track, but Alex doesn’t budge.

“I don’t see you pulling that shit with Sammy or Lindsey. Hell, you’re not even pulling that shit with me.”

Kelley’s silent, letting that set in. Alex just stares at her, arms crossed. It takes a second for Kelley to find her footing, but eventually, she responds, “I mean… I think I can do all of that and still like, not want to fuck her, you know?”

And Alex snorts, laughing. “That’s crude.”

“It’s true!”

And the timer goes off, releasing them from their icy hell. They both stand, getting out of the tub and toweling off.

“So why now?” Alex asks, pulling the tub’s plug and letting it drain.

“Why what now?”

“Sonnett. Why do you think she has a crush on you? What happened?”

And Kelley immediately does something she regrets: she looks down at her feet.

Alex jumps on it, smiling wide: “Oh my god. Spill.”

\- + - + - + -

It’s really not that big a deal.

She finishes recounting all the details of the night before to Alex (“Karen set you up!” “She _did not_.”) and Alex somehow finally decides it’s time for teasing.

And like, teasing was totally fine when she prepped for it. Teasing was totally fine when it was Emily’s crush they were making fun of, when Alex hadn’t insisted Kelley felt the same way.

Kelley wasn’t ready to have a crush, anyway. She was recently single—mostly due to her crazy, ridiculous schedule—and she was still trying to be okay with that. She didn’t need Alex putting stupid ideas into her head.

“I’m trying to picture Sonnett kissing someone and I’m just… falling short.” Alex says, and suddenly the image of Emily in the hallway last night flashes by in Kelley’s mind. The way her eyes had softened in the light. The look she’d given Kelley, which was one she’d never seen from her before, almost like—

Kelley deliberately cuts that thought off there, trying to focus on getting ready for lunch.

“She’s kind of like, boyish, don’t you think?” Alex muses, getting ready in the mirror, and Kelley goes through her suitcase, realizing Emily still has her hoodie.

“Hmm?” Kelley hums out distractedly. She doesn’t really want to keep talking about this, she decides.

“Sonnett. She’s got a boyish structure.”

“Oh, yeah.” And Kelley doesn’t add more because she doesn’t need to.

“I just—is that attractive? I don’t know what you’re into.” And Kelley shuts her eyes, trying to breathe out her frustration.

“I’m not into her, Alex. We discussed this.” Her tone is dead serious, but somehow that doesn’t stop Alex from prodding her again.

“I just feel like—“

“Can we just, not? I brought this up because it was something funny I noticed, not because anything is going to come of it, okay? I’m still trying to get over my last relationship.”

“So that’s the only reason? The break up?” Alex says, teasingly, and she must know she’s pushing her luck because she shoves the bathroom door closed before Kelley can come in and strangle her. When Kelley backs off from the door, Alex opens it again.

“Seriously, fuck off.” Kelley says with some actual fire behind it.

Alex gives Kelley a shrug. “Okay, whatever you say.”

And it’s like she can feel the death glare Kelley’s giving her, because she smiles as she puts on her eyeliner. Kelley just stares for a while longer, before adding: “People have crushes that go nowhere.”

“I didn’t say they didn’t.”

“Billions of people have a crush on you—am I pressuring you to date any of them?”

“I’m married.”

“_Theoretically_, Alex.” Kelley scoffs, then adds, “are you being purposefully dense or is it that Cal education?”

And Alex keeps smiling at herself as she puts on make up, unbothered. “I just think this is different.”

Kelley just shakes her head, crossing back into the bedroom.

\- + - + - + -

After spending nearly twenty more minutes getting ready, they leave for lunch, running just a little behind. They run into Becky and Alyssa in the elevator, making conversation until they enter the conference room that’s been set aside for their meal.

And that’s when Kelley spots her: one Emily Sonnett engaging in what seems like a heated discussion with Rose and Mal. A normal sight. The difference? Sonnett’s sporting a bright red Stanford sweatshirt, and might as well be wearing a sign that says: “I belong to Kelley O’Hara.”

Kelley hears Alex laugh lightly and then feels her lean in close: “I’d say your theory is a safe bet.” Kelley can’t look at her.

And Kelley, determined not to let it faze her, goes to the buffet and starts loading up her plate. If Sonnett can strut out confidently in clothes that clearly don’t belong to her, Kelley can at least try to look unaffected by it.

On the way back to the table Kelley glances at Sonnett, who seems to deliberately avoid her gaze. She takes a seat across from Christen, digging in, trying to fight the part of her that wants to look up at Emily again.

“Kell.” Christen says, and when Kelley looks up at her she’s grinning in a knowing way, looking over at Sonnett.

“Don’t look at me like that. She stole it.” And the lie doesn’t land anyway, because Christen’s smile grows even wider. Tobin seems to smile too, and can’t help but laugh.

And then it gets even worse, because Becky sits on Emily’s other side and gasps out a loud: “You traitor!” and then Rose jumps in, making fun of Emily, accusing her of sleeping in it. And the entire time Emily refuses to meet Kelley’s eyes.

\- + - + - + -

She doesn’t actually talk to Emily until they’re about to board the bus to head to the airport. They’re standing in line awkwardly, and everyone’s dressed in their matching gear. She sees Emily holding the Stanford sweatshirt gingerly in her arms, and when their eyes meet, Kelley walks over, deciding to bite the bullet and talk to her.

“Bold fashion choice.” Is all she says. Emily hands the sweatshirt back without a retort, instead falling into what sounds like an apology: “I didn’t know it’d be such a huge deal. Sorry if I embarrassed you.”

Suddenly feeling soft, Kelley wraps an arm across Emily’s shoulders, pulling her close. Whatever’s playing out on Emily’s face is not how Kelley wants her to feel, and something in Kelley wants to make sure Emily knows no real harm was done—so people teased them, what of it?

“You didn’t embarrass me.” She says, taking the sweatshirt back and refolding it gently, “You look good in red.”

She winks a little, pulling back, and something in her stomach flips when Emily smiles.

\- + - + - + -

Later, at the airport, Kelley sits beside Tobin and Allie, watching them play a game of Mario Kart on Tobin’s switch. And honestly, it’s kind of boring. Kelley doesn’t really enjoy playing, and while it’s fun to watch the Harrys get competitive, she’s just not really into it today.

On her other side Alex talks on the phone with Servando, a little lost in some discussion about their new puppy.

She looks across the way at the younger players, who sit in a circle on the floor, talking animatedly about something. She sees Rose jump up, making some motion, and the rest of the group laughs. Before she can stop herself, her gaze shifts to Emily, whose laugh looks the slightest bit muted—like maybe her head is somewhere else.

Emily hasn’t really looked at her or addressed her in a couple of hours, and Kelley’s pissed that for some reason, she’s noticed.

Deciding she’s had enough, she stands, crossing the terminal. Rose sits quickly, as though worried she’s done something wrong, and then the whole group looks up at her.

“Am I interrupting something?” She asks. Sam just smiles sweetly and says, “Just run-of-the-mill stupidity, what’s up?”

“Not much. Bored with Mario Kart.” She takes a seat quickly, not really dying to be the center of attention, and because her brain is gravitating toward Emily, she forces herself to sit beside Mal.

“Aren’t we all?” Emily says. Kelley meets her eyes then, but Emily looks away before Kelley can read anything in them.

They start on a different topic, and before long Kelley’s finding herself a little bored again. At this point she’s fully wrapped herself around Mal, determined to prove to herself that her relationship with Emily is no different, and for some reason, she keeps yawning.

“Sleepy?” Emily asks, watching Kelley yawn for the third time. When Kelley nods Emily shifts around where she’s seated, leaning back against the wall and patting her legs. “Nap time?”

And Kelley chances a glance back at Alex, who’s too busy on the phone to notice. She looks back to Emily, who now looks a little unsure, as though suddenly regretting suggesting it.

Cuddling wasn’t unheard of. Hadn’t Sonnett and Horan does this many times? Before Sonnett can take it back, Kelley climbs forward, resting her head in Sonnett’s lap. She settles into Emily’s warmth, turning herself to look at the circle, trying to pretend this was a totally normal thing to do.

(If anyone had checked it, her heart rate would’ve betrayed her.)

And the conversation continues on as normal, surprisingly, with Sam and Rose getting into a heated argument and Emily repeatedly checking her phone. When Kelley catches a glance of it, she sees that Emily’s texting Lindsey, who had been forced to stay behind in Portland due to a concussion.

That’s probably what’s eating at Sonnett.

(She’s embarrassed because, somewhere in the back of her mind, she’d somehow made it out to be whatever was going on between them.)

(Not that anything was going on between them.)

Across the way, she sees Alex off the phone, staring at her, smirk apparent.

_I just think this is different_.

And Kelley can’t handle that, doesn’t want to, so instead she shuts her eyes, trying to find sleep. Anything’s better than facing the music that is Alex Morgan being right.

And just before sleep actually comes, she feels hesitant hands come up, gently running fingers through her hair. She can’t help but smile a little.

\- + - + - + -

Kelley wakes from sleep with gentle prodding. She squints a little, forgetting where she is, and finds herself in an airport terminal, laid across Emily’s lap. Emily who sits dutifully against the wall, not moving an inch in an attempt to let Kelley sleep.

Kelley shifts a little, pulling back. Kind of embarrassed that she actually went to sleep.

“Sorry, it’s just almost time to board.” Emily says softly. Her hand is still on Kelley’s lower back and Kelley can feel it burning a hole through her clothes.

“It’s okay.”

She looks around, not seeing her teammates. The confusion in her eyes must be clear because Emily opens her mouth again, hoping to help:

“There were these musicians. It’s a long story,” She looks in the direction they went, concerned, “hopefully the team will be back soon.”

She sits up and Kelley watches her, still slow and slightly groggy. Kelley shifts a little bit, sitting up; too sleepy to control whatever part of her really wants to look at Sonnett. Before she can stop herself, she reaches forward, brushing some of Emily’s hair out of her face. Their eyes meet, and for a second, everything goes still.

Emily’s facial expression shifts and Kelley’s brain is suddenly catching up, wondering what the hell she was thinking. She pulls back, breaking their trance, and looks down at her hands.

What the_ hell _was she thinking?

Eventually, Emily stands.

“I actually really have to pee. Can you watch the stuff?”

Kelley nods, not trusting herself to speak.

\- + - + - + -

For some reason, they change roommates in Chicago.

Dawn emails them all the info on the bus to the hotel, and Kelley’s face goes hot when she reads Emily’s name beside hers.

It has to be fucking fate.

She chances a glance back at Emily, who, without Lindsey, sits alone on the bus. But Emily doesn’t seem to notice her looking, turned to look out the window. She has her headphones on and seems intent on ignoring the rest of the bus, and Kelley, not for the first time, wonders if something serious is up.

They pull up to the hotel and check in, Kelley listing off both their names at the counter despite Emily being nowhere in sight. Everyone else pairs off around her and it’s only after she’s gotten their room keys that it becomes clear to her that Emily is actually missing. She pops outside to look on the bus and when she comes back inside she sees Emily emerge from the bathroom.

“You ready, roomie?” She says, trying to keep the weird uncertainty out of her voice. Emily just nods, following her to the elevator.

\- + - + - + -

Kelley’s roomed with Sonnett many times.

Normally it’s all play-fighting and screaming and staying up way too late. Normally it’s Kelley setting rules and Sonnett deliberately breaking them. Normally it’s cuddling and stupid cheesy movies. Normally she has to kick Rose and Lindsey out of her room at some ungodly hour just to catch a wink of sleep.

This time is different.

Emily takes the bed by the window and unpacks in silence and Kelley wonders if she’s done something wrong.

She focuses on unpacking her things, trying figure out how to deal with the obvious tension. She unpacks the Stanford hoodie, holding it gingerly in her hands, wondering if it smells like Emily.

(Did she really sleep in it?)

As she ponders that, she turns, watching Emily lay out her different pairs of shoes neatly on the floor. She readies the part of her that gives peptalks to the youngins all the time—she’s done this before. She can do it again.

“Sonny,” she says, and pauses for long enough that Emily turns to look at her, “everything okay?”

Emily looks almost relieved. “Yeah, just tired.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, I’m good.” Is all she says, and she flops back onto the mattress.

“You sure?”

“Really, Kell,” she says, this time more firmly, “I’ll be fine, I just need some rest.”

She just watches Emily lie like that, wondering what could possibly be so wrong that she would want to retire early. She wants to do more, and briefly considers climbing into bed and trying to cuddle the smile back onto her face. But Emily’s words were firm and she’s already crossed lines today… she doesn’t want to do it again.

“You going to bed, then?”

Emily nods. She checks her phone then, scrolling a little and then typing something. And Kelley can’t just let things sit like this; she has to do something.

She goes and takes a tentative seat on Emily’s bed—still far enough away that she’s not anywhere close to touching her—and Emily looks up at her, brow furrowed.

“You know I care about you, right?” And it’s the first thing that rolls off of Kelley’s tongue, but somehow it fits. She wants Emily to know she’s always here, and not just because she feels like she has to be.

And something in Emily’s expression shifts a little then, opening up. “I know.”

Something rises up in Kelley then, a soft stirring feeling in her gut. She can’t help herself: she reaches out for Emily’s hand, tugging her up the bed, and then settles an arm around her, curling Emily toward her chest. And it’s not something unusual for them—they’ve done it before—but Kelley’s heart hammers out a rhythm in her ears anyway, reminding her that there’s something charged about it now.

“I told myself I wasn’t gonna force you to cuddle,” She says, laughing, trying to will her heart rate down and keep the nervousness out of her voice, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Emily responds dryly, “I knew you would.”

They stay like that for a bit before Emily lets out a yawn. “I really am tired, you know.”

And Kelley just nods, moving a hand to play with the hair at the base of Emily’s neck. She rubs there absent-mindedly.

“You should sleep.”

“You’ll stay here?” Emily says, and it sounds needy in a way that makes Kelley want to say something stupid like _forever_. She forces herself to swallow that, instead opting for, “until you sleep.”

And she does. She stays there until Emily’s fast sleep, all the while running fingers through her hair and wondering if this is how Emily felt holding her earlier today: warm and at peace.

\- + - + - + -

She does eventually leave, joining the rest of the group for dinner and telling them Emily wasn’t feeling well and went right to bed.

Some people (read: Rose and Sam) don’t believe her, and spread a rumor that Emily’s setting up an epic prank and Kelley’s covering for her. Kelley almost tells them to fuck off before reminding herself that its harmless and that that reaction would likely betray more emotion than she’s comfortable with.

After dinner she follows Alex back to her room, glad that Allie had chosen to take her call with Bati somewhere else. When Alex pops into the bathroom to get ready for bed, Kelley checks her phone, suddenly seeing Lindsey’s responses to a text she had sent earlier and nearly forgotten about.

**Kelley:** hey… is something up with em?

**Lindsey:** Em? Didn’t realize you guys were on a first name basis now.

**Lindsey:** I think you should talk to her.

Kelley watches the three dots appear, mind racing. Just then, Alex appears in the doorway. She lets her phone drop to the bed, settling back into the pillows. Alex watches her with a weird expression.

“Everything okay?” She says, gesturing to her phone.

“Oh yeah. Just… impeachment. You know.”

And something in the precise way Alex laughs at her makes it clear that she knows she’s lying: “what is it really?”

And Kelley frowns, looking down at her phone and realizing that Lindsey opted not to add anything more to their thread.

“You look sad. Don’t make me cuddle you for answers.”

Kelley just shakes her head.

“Sorry, just like, really in my head today.”

“Understandable.” Alex says. She pauses before opening her mouth again, “Can I ask something?”

And Kelley’s heart rate immediately ticks up. She can hear it in her ears. She tries to keep herself still, hoping she looks completely unaffected.

She nods.

“If it doesn’t mean anything to you… why lean in to it? Why fall asleep on her at the airport? Why stare at her the whole bus ride? Or… ” She takes Kelley’s phone out of her hands, seeing the text thread with Lindsey, “check in with Lindsey to see if ‘Em’ is okay.”

She tears her phone out of Alex’s hands, glaring at her.

See… Kelley’s been asking herself this question all day. She hates this question. Some part of her knew Alex was going to ask her this exact question and she wasn’t going to know what to say.

“I’m just… making sure.” And it sounds lame, even to her own ears, so she adds, “Making sure that she actually likes me.”

“Why?” Alex says it, and suddenly Kelley is sinking again.

That’s the real question. The question she hadn’t allowed herself to ask all day.

And it’s as though Alex can see the fear and confusion written on her face, because the moment she asks it she looks away, eyes landing on the clock.

“Maybe we should go to bed.” Is all she says, releasing Kelley from the pressure of answering. And Kelley’s very grateful.

“Yeah, I should get back.” She gives Alex a long hug, breathing in her shampoo and perfume. Alex squeezes her extra tight, “I want what you want, Wormy.”

“I know.”

\- + - + - + -

Kelley sneaks back into the room, quietly changing for bed and brushing her teeth.

Once in bed, Kelley’s left with her thoughts. Thoughts that leave her tossing and turning throughout the night.

In a weird half-dream haze, Kelley’s brain picks a memory, one from long enough ago that Kelley’s almost startled to see it in a new light. In her dream it’s a rainy Georgia morning, one from a summer ago, maybe, and when she rolls over she finds Emily in bed beside her, fast asleep.

That morning she’d just watched Emily breathe for a while and then turned over, going back to sleep herself, but in this weird half-dream version of it, she leans forward, entering Emily’s space, nose to nose. She inhales a little and Emily’s eyes open—

…which startles Kelley awake.

She rolls over and looks out the window, watching the beginnings of a sunrise through the blinds. She looks over at Emily, still sound asleep in her bed across the room, face adorably concentrated even while resting. She looks down at the foot of the bed, seeing the Stanford hoodie she left there, and finally brings it up to her nose, inhaling.

_Emily._

So maybe this _was _different. Maybe it did mean something. Maybe it always had. And maybe Kelley had just ignored it.

But she couldn’t anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and to think some of you thought this fic wasn't gonna feature two-sided pining ;)


	3. everytime i try to figure it out, you’re the only thing i can think about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update! yay! shout out to actual so'hara for providing content for us to spiral over this weekend. 
> 
> added a necessary tag, i think. also! fun thing to keep track of: how much less the word "sonnett" appears now that we like-like her ;) sure to only get worse
> 
> chapter title from "maybe you're the reason" by the japanese house
> 
> come yell at me on twitter @soran_rising

Having an injury is hard work.

After a night of restless sleep, the last thing Kelley wants to do is meet with her trainer. She drags herself out of bed, lacing up her shoes and trying her best to blink herself awake. It’s early enough that the sky outside isn’t fully light yet, and if she squints she can see the beginnings of a sunrise over Chicago. She tries her best to be quiet so as to not wake Emily, but despite her best efforts, Emily stirs right as she’s about to go.

“Going somewhere?” Her voice is raspy from sleep and her eyes are half closed and Kelley can’t help but smile a little.

“Trainer.” Is all she says, and Emily nods sleepily, sitting up.

“Go back to bed. I’ll be back in like an hour.” Kelley insists, slipping on her Stanford hoodie. She catches a whiff of Emily’s smell on the hoodie and blushes a little, breathing in deeply as she pulls it over her head. When she manages to get her head through, she finds Emily sitting up in bed, looking at her with the softest smile.

And it’s a little like waking up with new eyes—now that she’s acknowledged that there’s something between her and Emily, something in her just wants to jump right in. Especially with Emily smiling at her like that.

“Go back to sleep.” She says, affection layering her voice.

“I will.” And Emily just smiles that soft smile that feels like it’s reserved just for her.

And Kelley can’t help it, really. For some reason, Kelley paces back toward Emily’s bed. Emily falls back into the pillows, stretching, looking up at her. And Kelley looms over her, trying to figure out why she even walked over in the first place.

She has the strange urge to do something or say something—to acknowledge Emily in some way before leaving, the way one does with someone they care about. She’s done cheek kisses before, but… it’s different now. She shuts down the side of her that wants to kiss Emily, forcing herself to say something instead:

“You feeling better?”

Emily smiles softly and sleepily and it makes Kelley’s heart melt like butter: “Yeah.”

And Kelley smiles too, “I’m glad.”

Emily shuts her eyes, stretching again, grinning. Kelley forces herself away from the bed before she does something she can’t take back. She heads out with a goodbye, wincing once the door’s shut behind her.

_Ughhhh_, she’s gotta play it cooler than this. Fuck this. She needs coffee.

\- + - + - + -

Roughly three years ago, Christen Press did not play it cool.

Kelley remembers because she was there. She was there through the unsure beginnings, the weird sleepovers, the months and months of trying to deny there was anything between Christen and Tobin. She remembers the rumors and the smiles and the intense amount of pressure, but she mostly remembers it all culminating in one night in particular—a night while Kelley and Christen were rooming together at camp.

See, Kelley had arrived home to find Christen in the empty bathtub, face stained with tears. She’d scrambled in beside Chris, enveloping her in a tight hug.

They’d talked for hours that night.

“It just… shouldn’t have to be this hard.” She remembers Christen saying.

“But what if it’s worth it?” She’d asked. At the time Kelley was pretty sure it might be. Watching the way her two friends had circled each other, Kelley felt very strongly that there was something bigger than all of them at play here. She couldn’t explain the feeling, she just knew it to be true.

“We… we wouldn’t know until we took the chance.” Christen had said.

“So, nut-up and take it!” It seemed simple to Kelley—the way everything would just work out once they made the leap.

But Christen wasn’t sure. “I can’t just… if it doesn’t work…”

And Christen paused then. Kelley will never forget the look on her face, the way she swallowed then frowned, holding back tears: “It has to work.”

“…she’s _everything_ to me, Kell. _Everything_.”

\- + - + - + -

Kelley’s trainer only has bad news for her, which really fucks with Kelley’s vibe for the morning. The combo of her ankle just… not cooperating and last night’s revelations have her on a weird edge, and she can feel herself spiraling in kind of a bad way.

It’s not even 8 am.

See, she’s not getting any younger—at this point she can probably enumerate the number of times she’s likely to play a professional game in what’s left of her career— and it feels like it’s all gone by in a flash. Getting healthy and staying healthy are her number one priorities, and for whatever reason they seem to be just out of her reach. No matter how careful she is, how diligent she is with the PT, the pain persists. Sometimes she thinks it might never fully go away.

And normally when she’s in this weird spirally space she tries to focus on the good things, the things that make her smile. She had a therapist once, and the therapist totally sucked, but her one useful contribution was this: focus on the good, let that push out the bad.

So she tried to focus on the good and pictured Emily, curled in bed, smile soft in the dawn’s light.

And thinking of Emily… well, that hadn’t helped either.

It’s like all at once Christen’s words from two years ago come back to her, but this time they finally hit home: _It has to work._ _She’s everything to me. _

It’s like it’s just dawned on her that liking Emily, like, like-liking her, is signing up for a big thing; like a hugely insurmountable amount of pressure. Her life as an athlete was a pressure cooker on its own—she wasn’t sure she could handle more.

But then the thought of not handling more, of backing down and deciding not to take the chance on Emily, well… that was almost worse. Like whiplash, like seasickness, Kelley finds herself trapped in the same conundrum that had seemed so simple to her years before, and…

… that’s how she ends up at Christen’s door.

Christen opens the door to her and is thankfully alone, so Kelley bypasses the hello entirely, trying to communicate with her expression what a weird headspace she’s in. She pushes past Christen into the bathroom, and when Christen follows her in she’s already in the tub.

“Oh, a tub convo?” Christen asks, concerned, and Kelley just nods.

Christen climbs in slowly, holding onto the edge like a child, lowering herself down till they’re shoulder-to-shoulder. Kelley immediately rests her head on Chris’ shoulder.

“Okay, we’re in the tub. What’s up?” Christen nudges her a bit, and Kelley remembers suddenly that she came to talk.

It was time now to confide in someone other than Alex. Someone with experience. Someone who knew what to do with this entire slew of emotions.

“I need you to not tell Tobin.” She starts.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Christen says, and Kelley doesn’t trust that for a second so she adds: “It’s about one of her sons. Well, her main son: Son.”

“Son?”

“Sonnett.”

“Oh.” Christen says, furrowing her brow a little, confused. “What about her?”

Kelley launches into the story—dinner with her mom, Alex’s insistence that Kelley had feelings for Emily, Kelley coming to understand that maybe she does—and before long she’s through it all and Christen has said next to nothing.

“So?” She asks, and Christen smiles a little, pensive.

“I like it.”

“That’s not a response. You can’t just like a story. This isn’t instagram.”

And Christen pauses again, this time for longer: “So… you want my advice then?”

Kelley pushes on Christen’s shin with her toes, impatient. “I came to you, didn’t I?” She smiles a little, and then is suddenly overcome by the gravity of that. The implications it has.

She was asking Christen for advice on how to date a teammate. How to date _Emily_. _Potentially_. If she wanted to.

“Don’t rush it. Talk about it. Because… once it happens, if it happens, you can’t take anything back. And you’ll have to see her all the time.”

Kelley nods, taking it in slowly.

“When does it start to feel better?”

“In my experience? When you…” and she drops her voice, mimicking Kelley, “nut-up and do something about it.”

Kelley smiles a little despite herself, and Christen laughs, knocking her shoulder against Kelley’s. They hear a gentle sound at the door.

“Chris?” Tobin opens it, finding them both in the tub. She frowns. “Again?”

“Don’t question it, babe.” Is all Christen says.

“Christen takes all her hookups to the bathroom.” Kelley leans over, pretending to make a pass at kissing Christen, who shoves a hand over her face.

“Don’t listen to her!”

\- + - + - + -

Alex has texted Kelley about getting breakfast before Foudy’s podcast and so Kelley rushes back to the room, hoping to pull on some fresh clothes and then to head over to meet her.

She’s so preoccupied with that that she doesn’t even think about Emily until she arrives back at the room to find Emily sitting on her bed, scrolling through instagram in only a towel.

And Kelley’s so taken aback that she almost steps backwards into a table. Emily’s standing and covering herself better in seconds. Her face reddens immediately and Kelley tries her best not to stare—she’s seen a whole lot more of Sonnett’s body, but not like this. Not when she felt this way.

“Sorry!” She stands, rushing back into the bathroom with a hastily thrown-together set of clothes. Kelley does her best to look unaffected, climbing back into her own bed to scroll through her own phone for a bit.

When Sonny comes back out, she’s dressed in shorts and a hoodie, and sporting a grin that makes Kelley forget she was ever embarrassed.

“You caught me in the middle of my morning routine.”

“Staring at your phone for an hour while still naked?”

“It’s how I keep my skin looking so fine and ageless.” Emily says, flopping back on the bed again. “How was your trainer?”

Kelley frowns. “Not great.”

“Oh?”

“Ankle’s still out of commission for much of the foreseeable future.”

“Oh.” And Emily frowns at that, clearly still thinking, “That really sucks.”

“Yeah…”

And Kelley frowns then, looking back at her phone. Alex has just texted asking where they should meet.

“I, uh,” And Emily sounds off, so Kelley looks up, “I wanted to see if you wanted to go get food or something.”

Oh. Kelley hadn’t expected that. “When?”

“Like, now?” Emily says, shrugging, asking like it’s not a big deal, “I know this great Avo toast place I went last time I was here.”

“Who else is going?” She asks.

Sonnett rubs at the back of her neck, “I was thinking it would just be you and me… if you wanted.” And then, quickly, “we could also invite—“

But Kelley cuts her off: “So we’d skip the team breakfast?” Like she hadn’t already been planning on skipping it with Alex.

“Effectively?” Emily says, and Kelley smiles.

Asking her to go out alone—that was new. Maybe Emily was sensing the difference in their dynamic?

“Let’s do it.” Kelley stands, deciding she can change later (or not, she didn’t really sweat anyway, who cares).

She sends off a quick text to Alex, shoving her phone in her pocket and following Sonnett out the door.

**Kell:** hey can we do a raincheck? i’ll see you in two hours for foudy’s thing.

Her pocket buzzes twice, but she doesn’t bother checking the texts:

**Alex:** ?????

**Alex:** we legit just made these plans

And then, a beat later:

**Alex:** ugh, i’m gonna kill sonnett

\- + - + - + -

It’s not immediately clear if breakfast is a date.

They’re seated in a booth across from each other, and Emily very respectfully keeps her hands and feet to herself. She wears her hair up under a hat and eats like it’s going out of style, getting runny egg all over her lower lip while Kelley’s in the middle of a story (“It’s not avo toast without egg, Kell.”).

But she asks questions and listens attentively. And she goes out of her way to make Kelley laugh. She passes Kelley a new napkin when hers is spent, and always tops off her water before Kelley can even think to be thirsty again. And when the server comes to deliver the bill, Emily immediately takes it, protesting when Kelley tries to sneak her card into the mix.

“No, I’ve got this.”

“It’s customary for the older person to pay, Son.”

And Emily just smirks at her, shaking her head. “Not today.”

Kelley cocks her head, smiling a little, wondering what’s going through Emily’s mind.

“I just feel like treating you.” Emily says, and her eyes drop down to the table, “I… I don’t know where I’d be without you right now.”

After a long, silent beat, Emily looks up at her with a soft smile.

“I care about you too.” She echoes Kelley’s statement from yesterday, one that Kelley almost forgot she made, and Kelley’s heart rate climbs.

“Thank you for, uh, holding me yesterday. Put me right to bed.” Emily jokes, trying to cut through her sincerity so that she feels less vulnerable. Kelley laughs a little, but having Emily asleep against her is now tucked away in her heart, a warm memory, and even just having it mentioned makes her smile.

And to be honest, it’s no different from what it felt like hanging out with Emily yesterday, or the day before, or months ago—Emily is shockingly sweet, and does go out of her way to specifically compliment people. Kelley, especially, has been showered with praise over the years.

She wonders how much of that is Emily’s crush.

For the first time, Kelley has the urge to make sure that Emily knows something’s different—that Kelley’s feelings have changed and that Emily’s not the only one feeling something here.

She watches Emily put the card into the folder, quickly swiping it away when she sees Kelley reach. But then Kelley just laughs and takes her hand across the table, giving it a light squeeze. Their hands remained clasped like that in the middle of the table, and Kelley waits till Emily meets her eyes before giving her a sincere:

  
“Thank you.”

The server takes Emily’s card and returns quickly, and Kelley releases her hand so she can sign for it. Emily’s face is so red, and Kelley can’t help but smile.

Then she looks down at her watch.

“Come on, we should go. I’m running behind for Foudy’s podcast thing.”

They pack up quickly, rushing out the door.

\- + - + - + -

After the podcast, Alex will not let it go.

Kelley rolls her eyes, pressing Alex to move on, but Alex refuses: “You ditched me.”

“_Alex_…”

“Tell me what you were doing.”

“You already dragged me on the air for not immediately bending to your every will. Wasn’t that enough?” Kelley says, but Alex’s glare is like no other.

“Where were you?”

And Kelley just sighs and says, “Where do you think I was?” and that’s all it takes for Alex to smile a little. They get on the elevator and as Alex presses the floor number, she looks over at Kelley, expectant.

“So sweet that you called her out on the podcast. I literally almost burst and said more.”

“I know.”

“I’m such a good secret-keeper.” Alex says, and Kelley laughs out loud.

“So you made out?” And Kelley betrays nothing on her face, staring impassively at the elevator buttons and shaking her head, “Tell me you at least kissed.”

Alex looks exasperated: “You shared a room last night!”

But again Kelley says nothing, mouth tipping up into a smile when she sees how much it bothers Alex.

“Kell.” Alex says, and when Kell won’t even look at her, she tries again, “Kell. Give me something to go off of, come on.”

But Kelley doesn’t say anything.

The elevator dings and Kelley exits, a pissed off Alex following her out.

\- + - + - + -

Emily’s the last one out of the locker room at open practice, and Kelley’s no longer pissed at herself for noticing.

She passes the ball back and forth with Becky, trying her best not to stare at the tunnel, and when Rose passes she can’t help but ask, “where’s Sonnett at?”

Rose makes a face—one Kelley finds herself incapable of reading, but it seems vaguely negative—and then says: “she’s facetiming Lindsey,” and runs off. Kelley looks to Becky like ‘did you see that?’ and Becky shrugs, equally confused.

Once practice starts and Emily returns to the field they split into groups, running drills. Eventually they play 6v6, and even though Kelley can’t really play she watches from the sidelines with Alex, cheering her teammates on.

She watches Emily especially; enraptured with the way she plays. She’s such a scrappy little person, and watching her is fun in a way that watching most people isn’t.

But Emily’s head isn’t in the game, and anyone with eyes can see that.

\- + - + - + -

After practice, they change out of their clothes in the locker room, exhausted from both the practice and the long goodbye huddle Jill had subjected them to. Kelley will admit to not always being the biggest Jill fan, but the huddle drew tears from nearly everyone, and the entire room got so emotional that they ended up in huddle for an hour longer than anticipated.

And Kelley’s not ashamed to say she cried, seeking solace in Ashlyn, who just happened to be closest. She cried and leaned on Ash and wondered if this was the real end of her time on the USWNT. She always wondered that. You had to.

Through all the hugs and tears, Kelley does find Emily eventually, eyes dry, attempting to cheer others up. She wonders how Emily does that—compartmentalizes her emotions—and knows that only someone who knows her well would see the weight in her expression, the tension in her shoulders.

She finds herself wandering towards where Emily’s seated, placing hands on her shoulders and rubbing them gently. The locker room’s finally starting to empty out as people head back to their hotel rooms, and by the time Kelley takes a seat beside Emily, it’s really only Christen and Tobin left.

“You ready to tell me what’s up?” And Kelley meets Emily’s eyes without hesitation now, knowing she has no reason to be embarrassed. Emily’s gaze falters, and then drops to the floor. Tobin calls out a goodbye as they leave and Emily gives them a halfhearted smile.

“Don’t think I don’t notice you keeping your distance.” Kelley says, and it’s almost like old times, a year ago, when nothing complicated their relationship and Kelley just felt like she could talk to Emily freely. She reaches up, taking a chance and pushing the hair out of her face, “what’s going on in that head of yours?”

And she watches Emily frown, so she says, “Lindsey told me to talk to you.”

“I know.” And Emily’s smile quirks up a bit, “you don’t call me Em to my face.”

“Does anyone?”

“You could, you know.” Is all she says, and her smile is small and coy. A shot of arousal hits her then and it’s… a weird time. She swallows that, turning her attention to the situation at hand, trying to remember a time where she didn’t find Emily attractive.

(A trick question, turns out.)

A long beat passes, and then she asks, “Is it Lindsey?” Do you miss her?”

“Of course I miss her.” Emily looks at her like she’s asked the most obvious question in the world, and then adds, “but… it’s more than that.”

Kelley waits patiently after Emily trails off, and Emily shuts her eyes.

“I think this is my last stint with the National Team.” She says, “I just don’t see how I make it again, no matter who the coach is. I keep fucking up and making stupid mistakes and no matter what there’s always someone better than me out there.”

“Oh, Em…”

“And I’m bummed because Lindsey and I didn’t get to do our lasts together, you know? I mean it’s not like we planned it but… I didn’t want to say goodbye to it all without her. It’s my last game tomorrow and neither of us is playing.”

Emily’s voice cracks at that. Kelley can see the tears about to fall and can’t handle watching it, doesn’t want to, so she pulls Emily into her chest.

Emily cries silently against her neck, and Kelley holds her tight. She all-but-crawls into Kelley’s lap, taking refuge under Kelley’s chin, and for a moment, Kelley’s whole body feels like it catches fire. She rubs at Emily’s back, waiting for the sensation to subside.

“It’s not goodbye.”

Emily looks up at her, confused, and Kelley just shakes her head, “Just, trust me. You’ll be on this team again.”

She can feel Emily breathe against her collarbone. “What if I’m not?”

“Then you’ll still have all of us. Forever.” Kelley rubs circles into her lower back, “and you’ll figure it out. We all have to, eventually.”

“We won’t be this close forever.” Emily says, and she pulls back, looking into Kelley’s eyes. Their faces are level, and for a moment, Kelley can feel the warmth of Emily’s breath on her lips.

“Maybe we won’t. But it can’t stop us from trying.” Emily’s eyes once again drop to Kelley’s lips. But before anything happens—

—the door creaks open revealing one Rose Lavelle, who happened to forget her socks, or something.

Emily pushes back quickly, almost like she’s been stung, and Kelley’s hands immediately pull back from her hips, which causes Emily to fall off the bench they’re sitting on. She falls to the ground and it looks like it hurts, and Kelley feels _so _bad.

“Oh, geez.” Is what Rose says, and Emily immediately gets herself up, backing off from Kelley entirely. Kelley laughs a little as Emily stands, and Rose fixes Kelley with that unreadable expression again, which gives Kelley the heebie-jeebies.

“What’s going on here?” Rose asks, not impolitely, and before Kelley can even say anything Emily cuts her off, firmly insisting, “nothing.”

Rose retrieves whatever she was looking for and Kelley and Emily pack up their things separately.

_That wasn’t nothing, _Kelley thinks, looking over at Emily.

Watching her smile.

\- + - + - + -

Kelley sits a few people down from Emily at the dinner table, and thus spends the entire meal trying to look like she’s not trying to look at her.

Emily also seems reasonably distracted, and their eyes meet enough times for Kelley to think she may be the one causing that distraction.

Eventually, she has to pee, so she excuses herself from Alex’s long rant and dashes off to the bathroom. She throws a look at Emily, hoping she’ll follow, but can’t catch her eye.

\- + - + - + -

She pees quickly, hoping to rush back over there, when suddenly the bathroom door opens to Tobin Heath. Kelley’s washing her hands at this point, and really only stops to regard Tobin when she sees that Tobin has no intention of entering a stall.

“Can I help you?”

“I gotta talk to you.”

Tobin = / = confrontation, so this is new for Kelley. She pulls back from the sink, drying her hands. “Sure…”

“It’s about Sonnett.”

Kelley closes her eyes, cursing Christen out in her head.

“Listen, I just… I really love that kid,” Tobin says, and her tone is so genuine that Kelley smiles a little, “and… I…”

She sort of scratches at her neck awkwardly, laughing a little, “I kinda don’t know how to say this… but, uh, here it goes: how serious are you? About all of this.”

It feels too soon for Tobin to be asking a question like this, and so Kelley doesn’t really know how to answer. She opens her mouth to try, but then Tobin cuts her off, “Okay, fuck it. Cards on the table: Don’t go anywhere near her if you’re not serious.”

And Kelley’s a little taken aback.

“Serious?”

“Yeah, if you’re not like, crazy about her. If you can live without her… just like, don’t put her through it.” Tobin stops, eyes dropping down to the counter, “that girl loves big, yo. And if you hurt her, well…”

Tobin just gives her a long look, and Kelley understands.

“No matter what just… be sure.”

And Kelley’s nodding, taking that in, when her phone vibrates with a text:

**Emily:** yoooo so rose is asking if she can stay with us. apparently ash and ali are having it out in the room right now it’s just like, bad energy.

Kelley types out a quick “Sure.” She looks up at Tobin, smiling a little. He pats her on the arm.

“That took a lot out of you, huh?”

“Yeah, it was not very chill. But… it had to be done.”

“That’s fair.”

Kelley makes her way toward the door.

“Hey Tobs?”

Tobin turns to look at her.

“Thanks for doing that. I’m glad she has you.”

\- + - + - + -

Kelley returns to her room to find Rose Lavelle sitting alone in the middle of her bed, eating crackers and skyping with her dog. As soon as Kelley enters, Rose says goodbye to her dog (and presumably mother), and Kelley wanders over to the bathroom, fussing with her hair.

When Rose is off the phone she asks: “Where’s Son?”

“Is that all I’m good for now? Locating Sonnett?” and its said with such fire that Kelley turns all the way around, staring confusedly at Rose, who glares.

“Uh, sorry. Hi Rose, how’s your night?” She tries again, but Rose seems to have no interest in answering her question.

“Okay, Linds isn’t here to do this so I feel like I have to do the honors here: whatever the fuck you’re doing with Emily’s emotions… if you hurt her… I swear to god—”

Kelley looks at her like she’s grown three heads, “What?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know!”

And that’s when Emily keys in, stepping between them as they glare at each other.

“Well _hello_. I see I’ve definitely interrupted something here.”

Like a true sociopath, Rose’s expression shifts immediately. Her story is automatic, feasible, and based in truth: “Kelley won’t let me eat crackers on her bed,” she says with a genuine whine, “it’s not even like, her bed. She’s being so unreasonable.”

Following Rose’s lead, Kelley prepares to be Unreasonable™, but Emily cuts her off before she has to be: “Simple: you stay in that bed, Kell can sleep in my non-cracker infested bed.”

She plops down her bed, patting it like she’s solved it all, and Kelley just smiles awkwardly, looking between Emily and Rose.

“With you?”

“What, you expect me to sleep on the floor?” Emily and Kelley exchange a smile, and the magnitude of it makes Kelley blush.

Rose sighs, rolling her eyes. Kelley turns away from them, digging through her bag for PJs, trying to push the dopey smile off her face.

Kelley loves being adored. And Emily is so good at adoring her.

Kelley and Rose eventually settle into opposite beds, and after Emily flicks off the light, Rose practically begs her to climb in with her instead.

“Come _on_. We can cuddle?”

“You’re boney.”

“_Sonny_.”

Emily shoots Rose a look that Kelley pretends to ignore. “This is getting weird Rose. Just go to bed.”

Rose stands. “Gotta pee.” She shoots Emily one last glare before rushing off to the bathroom, and Emily climbs in with Kelley.

She leaves a reasonable amount of space between them, but rolls onto one side to look down at Kelley with her head on her elbow.

“Hey Miss Kelley?” And Kelley turns to look up at her, noting how soft her hair looks in this light, “Thank you. For today.”

And Kelley smiles. “Thank you. You brightened my day in a big way.”

Their eyes meet again and this time she swears Emily’s asking permission in her expression—permission to cross a line. But before she can, before Kelley can even imagine her leaning in and sealing the deal, Kelley reaches out and pulls Emily to her chest in a warm hug.

Emily nestles her head against Kelley’s breast and Kelley rubs softly at her back, content just holding her.

She can’t cross that line yet. She’s not sure. She has to be sure.

She won’t risk hurting the girl in her arms—the girl who, above all else, she wants to see happy. Holding her here, feeling her drift to sleep for the second time in two days, Kelley can feel the magic of what they could have together.

And it scares her.

Maybe they could have it all. Maybe they could have it all and lose it.

An impossible situation.

Once again Christen’s words from two years ago haunt her, keeping her up at night:

_It has to work._ _She’s everything to me. _


End file.
